Personality Traits: The Many Colours That Shape Us

Sonia Scussel
Sep 8
4 min read

Updated: Sep 10

Personalities are like a palette: some colours are bold, others barely visible. Like paints, personality traits can blend and blur. Some traits may feel stronger or more challenging, especially in relationships, but all are deeply human. What matters isn’t whether we have them, because we all carry them, but how flexibly we relate to them.

Yet we often think of people as if a single trait could sum them up, labelling them: “She’s anxious.” “He’s controlling.” “They’re avoidant.”

Labels like these miss the bigger picture: that we all carry these traits,

in different degrees, at different times, and in different circumstances.

What we often see as a flaw is actually a form of protection, a way our mind helps us make sense of the world.

Personality Traits as Strategies, Not Labels

From a psychological perspective, personality traits are patterns of feeling, thinking, and behaving that help us navigate the world. While shaped early in life by biology, attachment, temperament, culture, and environment, traits continue to evolve through our experiences, relationships, and the meanings we assign to them.

Traits like perfectionism, emotional distance, or people-pleasing often share a common purpose: they help us manage discomfort, seek safety, or secure connection.

We might see someone as controlling, but underneath is a fear of chaos. Avoiding intimacy may mask a longing to be loved without losing oneself.

When we look past the surface, we may see what function traits have.

In the long run, the greatest influence on personality development

is the way we interpret and give meaning to our experiences.

Albert Bandura

An Existential Layer: How to Be Human

From an existential perspective, our traits are shaped by how we respond to life's core challenges: choice, responsibility, mortality, uncertainty, and the need for meaning and connection. We often adjust to reality, developing patterns that help us cope and make sense of life.

We all strive to matter, to be seen, to feel in control of something, anything. Beneath every expression of personality traits lie old fears: of abandonment, of being insignificant, of being too much or not enough.

Some of us cope by becoming overly accommodating, hoping that pleasing others will earn us safety. Others withdraw to protect themselves from rejection or overwhelm.

Not a Label, But a Dialogue

In a few words, the intensity of our traits reflects our attempts to navigate uncertainty, protect ourselves from pain, and make sense of our place in a complex world.

In a world saturated with psychological language, it’s easy to label others or ourselves.

When we casually describe someone as narcissistic, codependent, toxic, or avoidant, we reach for words that promise clarity but often reduce people to problems, rather than recognising them as whole, evolving stories.

What if, instead, we saw traits as strategies we’ve learned to meet fundamental needs:

The need to belong.
The need to feel safe.
The need to be recognised.
The need not to fall apart.

And how might it feel to recognise those exact needs within ourselves?

The only normal people are the ones you don’t know very well.

Alfred Adler

Context and Continuum: How Traits Shift

Additionally, traits aren’t fixed. They shift depending on where we are, who we’re with, and how safe we feel. Someone might seem emotionally distant in romantic relationships but deeply engaged with long-time friends.

One way to make sense of this is to view traits as existing along continuums, with opposites at each end. If distance sits at one extremity and closeness at the other, our traits move back and forth along all such spectrums shaped by our internal needs, the surrounding context, and our sense of safety.

Looking at traits this way opens space for compassion, reflection, and change. It invites us into deeper self-exploration and a more layered understanding of others.

Holding Space Without Losing Ourselves

This isn’t a call to excuse harmful behaviour. Some traits, when unexamined or left unchecked, can deeply harm. When we feel challenged by others, before rushing to judge or label, we can choose to pause, reflect and consider a new way forward.

Understanding a behaviour doesn’t mean we have to accept it. It means we can respond with honesty, self-respect, and clarity; sometimes by setting boundaries, sometimes by walking away, but always with a willingness to grow.

The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.

Carl Rogers

Final Thoughts

Some traits, such as perfectionism, emotional distance, or the need to feel in control, can be challenging to live with, whether in ourselves or someone close to us. But growth begins when we start to understand them. And remember, seeking support is not a sign of failure; it is a courageous step toward self-awareness, healing, and positive change.

A helpline, a support group, your GP or a counsellor can offer support.