From Self-Centredness to Narcissism: What Toxic Patterns Mean for Love and Connection

Sonia Scussel
5 days ago
3 min read

The word “narcissist” on social media is becoming shorthand for anyone who acts selfishly, lacks empathy, or prioritises their own needs. The trouble is, when used too broadly, this label blurs the lines between everyday self-centredness and the far more entrenched patterns of toxic narcissism.

In our previous exploration, we looked at narcissism through a psychoanalytic lens, recognising that a certain level of healthy narcissism is vital for self-worth and resilience. In this follow-up, we’ll examine the real prevalence of toxic forms, how self-centredness can mimic or magnify these traits, and what this means for relationships.

Self‑centredness is not always pathological;

it is a spectrum, like all human behaviour.

Stephen Diamond

The Reality of Prevalence

Despite the impression that narcissism is everywhere, research suggests that Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) affects roughly 1–5% of the population. Many more people display narcissistic traits without meeting the full criteria for a disorder.

Overusing the term “narcissist” can make it harder to recognise when we’re dealing with a deep-seated personality structure rather than an intentional lapse in empathy.

Much behaviour labelled as narcissistic is actually closer to emotional immaturity, entitlement, or situational self‑centredness. Of course, toxic narcissism can overlap with self‑centredness: a person may act out of convenience or entitlement while also relying on deeper defensive patterns to protect a fragile sense of self.

When Self-Centredness Mimics Narcissism

Self-centredness is a behaviour, not a fixed personality organisation. It can look similar to narcissism because both involve putting one’s own needs first, but the motivations differ. A self-centred person may overlook others when it’s inconvenient to care, but can still form genuine emotional connections in contexts where they feel invested.

By contrast, someone with toxic narcissistic patterns filters empathy through self-protection, often dismissing or distorting others’ needs if they threaten their fragile sense of self.

Therefore, while self-centredness often comes from choosing not to meet others’ needs because it feels too demanding, toxic narcissism is an ingrained, unconscious mechanism that filters reality, making it almost impossible to truly see or connect with others.

Self‑centredness is the inability to see beyond your own needs and desires,

often leaving others unseen.

Wayne Dyer

The Relational Dance

Relationships with someone who has strong narcissistic traits often follow a familiar rhythm. At first, there’s idealisation: the partner feels uniquely seen and valued, which can feel intoxicating. Over time, emotional closeness may trigger fears of vulnerability, causing the narcissistic partner to withdraw, criticise, or devalue the relationship.

From here, the relationship follows the push–pull cycle, seeking connection when admiration is low, retreating when intimacy feels risky, then returning when distance becomes uncomfortable, reflecting deep-seated defensive patterns rather than simple selfishness.

By contrast, a self-centred partner may sometimes prioritise their own needs or overlook yours, but these behaviours are situational and do not follow a predictable cycle. They can still form genuine connections and respond to feedback and boundaries.

Selfishness and self‑centredness are not just moral failings;

they are barriers to true connection and empathy.

Brené Brown

The Cost for Both Sides

For the partner with narcissistic patterns, the cost is internal: a persistent sense of emptiness, an inability to relax into intimacy, and unacknowledged grief over unmet needs. The relationship becomes a constant effort to control the emotional climate, leaving little room for genuine mutuality.

For the other partner, the cost is often the erosion of self-trust. They may begin to doubt their perceptions, over-monitor their behaviour, or feel invisible and replaceable.

Emotional safety diminishes, replaced by confusion and exhaustion.

Both partners lose the possibility of an authentic connection because the relationship operates in the service of self-protection rather than mutual openness.

The Possibility of Change

While deep narcissistic patterns are resistant to change, they are not entirely fixed. Shifts may occur during life crises, such as the loss of a relationship or a major setback.

In therapy, change often comes through gaining insight, safely exploring old patterns, and facing fears and difficult realities. This process can soften rigid defences and open the way to more authentic ways of relating.

For the partner on the receiving end, healing often means re-establishing boundaries, rebuilding self-trust, and learning to distinguish between everyday self-centredness and entrenched toxic patterns.

We are all a mixture of self‑interest and self‑reflection;

understanding the balance is key to healthy relationships.

Esther Perel

Final Thoughts

Recognising the difference between self-centredness and toxic narcissism allows us to respond more wisely. Compassion can coexist with accountability. We can understand the roots of someone’s behaviour without tolerating the harm it causes.

Protecting your wellbeing may mean setting clear boundaries, seeking support, and, when patterns are deeply harmful, considering whether to leave the relationship. This last step can be very challenging, but sometimes it's a necessary act of self-preservation.

A helpline, a support group, your GP or a counsellor can offer support.