Couple Counselling Through Three Lenses With Relational Life Therapy at the Core

Relationships bring us face-to-face with our longings, fears, limits, habits, and histories. In a romantic relationship, we seek more than love; we also want to feel seen, heard and safe. Yet, the closeness we crave can surface old pain and confusion.

Exploring  this space means honouring both the relationship and the individuals within it.

Whether you're stuck in communication struggles, feeling tension between intimacy and autonomy, or seeking deeper connection and healing, this blog is for you.

Lasting Change Through Couple Counselling

Over the last few years, I've explored several models for understanding relational struggles. I began with the Gottman Method, was inspired by Esther Perel's sharp insight, and more recently discovered Terry Real's Relational Life Therapy (RLT). Each offers something essential. In practice, I draw from all three, as each speaks to different moments and needs.

Let me take you through why.

We expect one person to give us what an entire village used to provide.

Esther Perel

John Gottman: Tools for Lasting Connection

John Gottman brings decades of research into practical tools for noticing, speaking, and repairing. His “Four Horsemen” framework has helped many couples recognise and shift destructive patterns, and his emphasis on friendship as the foundation of lasting connection offers a steadying, accessible path.

His work teaches couples how to listen with more presence, to soften conflict without losing themselves, and to build emotional trust through everyday moments, turning toward each other again and again, even when it's hard.

Esther Perel: The Mystery Within Intimacy

I love Esther Perel's insights; she gives voice to what many couples carry: fading desire and growing distance, struggling between closeness and autonomy while longing for more. Her work reminds us that desire is less about technique and more about reclaiming inner freedom, play, and imagination.

This perspective is vital, especially when routine dulls connection, and while it may not always address deeper traumas, it masterfully explores the spaces between the lines, where tension, longing, and contradiction live, without judging how one loves.

You can be right, or you can be in relationship.

Terry Real

RLT: Learning to Love Without Losing Ourselves

Relational Life Therapy, developed by Terry Real, holds a mirror up to both partners.

It invites the couple to look at how they've learned to survive in relationship, and whether those strategies still serve. It doesn't pathologise or blame, but it doesn't avoid discomfort either.

What I find powerful about RLT is its ability to balance compassion with accountability. It calls each person to do their own inner work, sometimes individually, with the intention of coming back into connection more clearly and honestly.

Here's what makes RLT different and why it forms the ground of my work:

• The relationship is not the only client. RLT holds space for individual sessions within the couple's work. This allows each person, when needed, to explore what's happening for them internally, making deep honesty possible.

• The therapist doesn't always stay neutral. If one partner's behaviour is harming the other, we name it. Gently, but clearly. RLT acknowledges that sometimes, healing begins with taking sides, not to shame but to protect what's vulnerable.

• We meet the "Adaptive Child." In conflict, we often react from a younger part of ourselves, shaped by past survival strategies, seeking safety, love, or invisibility. RLT helps us recognise and appreciate this part, while choosing a response more aligned with our "Wise Adult."

• Trauma is not left outside the room. RLT embraces the complexity of relational, cultural, and gendered trauma, viewing issues not as communication failures, but as echoes of deeper stories needing to be heard and understood.

• We work together, and apart. Sometimes the work unfolds in the space between partners; other times, it begins with each person reconnecting to themselves, their needs, their history, and their voice.

  
  

Intimacy is not something you have; it’s something you do.

Harriet Lerner

A Path to Real Connection

Love is not just a feeling, but a practice. One that asks both partners for self-awareness, boundaries, repair, and a willingness to grow. In working with couples and individuals, I don't offer quick fixes. But I do offer a space where:

• change is possible

• old patterns can soften

• intimacy can become safe again

• you can meet yourself and each other with more honesty.

Final Thoughts

All the models mentioned, Perel's intimacy exploration, Gottman's scientific insights, and Real's bold clarity offer a rich material to work with in couple counselling. They're not in competition but in conversation, allowing us to draw from different perspectives to meet each relationship where it is, with the nuance, care, and depth it deserves.

When unpleasant feelings sit for too long, it's time to reach out. Remember that you don't have to face everything alone; find someone you can trust to talk to. A helpline, a support group, your GP or a counsellor can offer support.

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